the best of all worlds
i'm troy. i love music, i love to love, and i love life. this will hopefully consist of the positively enlightening and potentially classified depths of me, in the most lighthearted of ways, of course.
one of two things must have happened throughout my entire academic career. either my teachers failed to successfully instill that the benefits of a boundless, yet painstaking education are not so much about achieving goals or a skewed vision of how attainable our dream aspirations are, but more so about preparing us for the vital and inevitable social encounters we have with potential prospects of love, business, or anyone who will help us achieve happiness and security; or, maybe I was just too invested in whatever my elementary, adolescent, teenage, or young-adult brain was into at the time to recall. but i do believe something went wrong, even though my stance of having minimal regret and living with and accepting that minimal amount hasn’t changed.
with that being said, i take solace in knowing that college will always be hanging around. but not that much solace. there are arguments that can be made as to why someone like myself should go back to college. but i’d take a risk and say it would be difficult to convince me that the pros outweigh the cons. i think my real point is that i envy a whole slew of friends of mine who somehow intuitively discerned what the point was of learning about ancient western history or the functions an atom has on everything we see (or don’t see); i just find myself now with a lot of catching up to do.
sometimes i feel blessed that i don’t get looked down upon too often as a result of all this (or at least not to my face). but this whole “well-roundedness” thing really does make a difference in why people are attracted to one another.
writing often helps me out of a slump, and sharing does the same, even though there’s never the guarantee that people are reading. that’s okay.
as for me, there really aren’t a large number of activities i could be involving myself in that would surpass the level of enjoyment i’m going to experience tonight. it’s entirely revolved around seeing a band when you are in the absolute peak of obsession with them. tonight is primetime, and i know i’ll never forget it.
more power to the people that can contain themselves and relent before they cross the line over to completely ‘obsessed’ with an artist or group of musicians, because i am just nowhere near that realm of discipline. on the other hand, i can find it in me to pity you as well. absolutely no disrespect, though.
it’s really the luck of the draw, and hopefully these words will personify exactly what it means to not take a night for granted. cheers.
the deeper we dive into life, the less the idea of maturity seems like something worth painstakingly striving for. we’ve been predisposed/borderline brainwashed to believe the myth that habits get dropped with age, and that prioritizing can become effortless because of mere life experience.
maintaining a small fraction of youth is not only harmless, but it is full of advantage, reward, and an expanded sense of reality.
got a little restless today. surprised it hadn’t happened earlier. we’re on our way to the arctic temperatures, but while it’s still in the upper 20’s, i’m gonna take advantage of this time to catch some fresh air and really let the downtown life take me in. i’m doing fairly well maintaining the financial tameness, but it wouldn’t feel like such a battle if it weren’t just me right now.
trust me though, i’m living what i’m gonna view as a dream a week from now. only thing missing is something only the chicks can satisfy. just got to hang loose for now and enjoy.
can’t quite tell if it’s hit me yet. probably not until i start working. and playing.
i had some pretty unforgettable times over the past couple weeks with friends and family. the friends part i’m used to (not a reference to being popular); not so much the family. pleasant twist.
i’m writing with classical piano in the background. haven’t done this in a while and it feels great. almost as if the sounds from the piano are as a result of my fingers’ contact with the keyboard. yeah, i went there—feeling pretty ‘zen’ at the moment.
aside from hopefully big leaps being taken in my stay here, this one week alone (literally and figuratively) is panning out to be refreshing and has allowed me some beneficial intrapersonal thinking time.
once i’m completely back in touch with my inner-musician, in every sense, you’ll be the first to know (hear). 
it’s starting to make a little sense. i’ve come to the decision that it is virtually impossible to really know me if you’ve never seen me play. and what’s particularly vexing about this is that way too many people i consider close friends have either never seen me play or haven’t seen me play in years. easily not their fault.
i live and breathe music, which is something i convey to people i’ve known for merely seconds. it is my sole form of expression, it is the only place i can deem my solitude, it is the answer to any haze that surrounds whatever curiosity you have about me, and i believe it is the missing link to any skepticism you feel towards me.
think about it.
well, last night put things into some perspective for me. my recent inability to brush things off and just coast my way through a night with great people is frustrating. the emotions i am exuding aren’t attractive and the distance between who i am and who i want to be is gaining. i know all of this. and i have to change it.
i apologize to everyone who doesn’t have much left to say anymore; i don’t make it easy.
dreary days inhibit me. can never quite come up with the ideal itinerary, and my body gets a little too stubborn and comfortable. but i’m hoping this abnormal fluctuation in the weather will find its niche to go against the typical nuisance of april showers.
i see you, sun.
i’ve come to the conclusion that i need to write because thinking and talking about things does not reach the caliber of articulateness i strive for; hence my general dissatisfaction.
i wish i could tell it all. but it’s too much. one thing is for sure, though…i have not felt this alone ever in my life. i’m fairly comfortable saying it’s not as fatefully depressing as it may seem, but it is true. everyone is always battling something in some fashion, and i believe i’ve always been battling with at least someone, if not loads of the most amazing people imaginable. but these particular battles are being fought by me and me alone, which, in the grand scheme of things, is optimal. i wouldn’t wish such domestic turmoil upon anyone, so i accept that this is battle after battle, as well as war, to be won by me.
i’m in such desperate need of inspiration. i’m capable of giving so much to so many people, but nothing/no one is giving me the inclination to do so. i will never stop loving the people who are unquestionably responsible for shaping who i am, but i happen to know for a fact that there are some people living out there who practice some unorthodox lifestyles (at least from the perspective of the community i am a part of) and who would positively assist me in my battles of finding myself all over again.
some drastic measures are going to have to be taken for me to recover my sanity and happiness. but i have a hunch that the same goes for most of us. i wish i was as natural of a student or had such innate, hard-working skills as a lot of other people i know, but i’ve come to realize that i was built differently. after 21 years, i haven’t quite figured out how to adapt, but i’m not planning on giving up anytime soon.
what a great couple days. i bought a sweater and a scarf yesterday. then i celebrated thanksgiving in what i believe to be the most lovely fashion; with my friends, all jam-packed into a tiny apartment, without a dining table, great cooking by many people, great wine via yours truly, and the perfect amount of drunken, tired, delirious love.
today was just me, my parents and grandfather. even better beer, even better wine, and what i would say to be an interesting retrospective experience of being freely (and mildly) intoxicated with my tiny family; worry-free.
it’s the time of the year for john mayer’s ‘battle studies’ and 30 seconds to mars’ ‘this is war’ albums. i love the feeling i get when i listen to them right around now. i’m also planning on busting out a flask tonight.
i wish i could convey this drowsy feeling i have going on right now. and it only occurs on the last thursday of november.
i have a sam adams holiday porter in my basement that i can’t wait to drink.
there’s something rather significant that i wanted to brush upon. and it’s that i truly love my close friends and i love being able to differentiate between them and other people i may like. but something about my core group of friends toward the end of high school leaves me feeling a bit dissatisfied with the way the holidays conclude. back then, i believe that there weren’t people in the same room as me who didn’t have the same expectations for a night or for a holiday, and each and every one of us saw love in each other without contemplating how much another person in the room really wanted to be there. we were young, and it was perhaps ignorantly blissful, but it was the simplest form of euphoria. i could’ve picked a person at random and cuddled with them for twenty minutes, and it would’ve been purely because that was the emotion i was feeling at that very second.
bottom line here is that i miss that almost more than anything. i miss the perfect divide of males and females specifically. because, “half of the people in the world are guys, and have of them are girls, so it only makes sense to have an equal amount of both around.” i sometimes see groups like mine used to be and it doesn’t take more than a split second for me to absorb the love that’s being radiated out of them towards each other, because they appreciate each other’s perfectly bizarre personalities just as much as they appreciate their flaws.
i just want to know that the fun i’m having is as real as humanly possible, and then i’ll be satisfied.
i’ve also been using different forms of the word “perfect” rather frequently in this. so maybe i’m looking for a lot. but in any event, life is good. seriously good.
happy thanksgiving.
